Ben and Jerry's With a Side of Oprah
by TigerTiger02
Summary: semi-sequel to Elections... its very crack! so beware... 'Castiel visits Dean and Sam and they are in for a suprise with a mass amount of ice cream and a side of Oprah. Poor Dean just can't believe what he's seeing'


Title: Ben and Jerry's With a Side of Oprah

Author: TigerTiger02

Spoilers: pretty much if you haven't seen any season four you probably shouldn't be reading this since it includes a new season four character. Kind of Pre-"**I Know What You Did Last Summer**".

Disclaimer: not mine, if it was I would totally take Castiel home as pet, he's just so darn cute!

Dedication: to Nikki, who was there when this crack idea came to me.

A/N: So… this all stems from the when I was telling Nikki about the Cassiel of post-biblical Judeo-Christian mythology, particularly in the Kabbalah. He is the angel of solitude and tears. I was telliing her about this (trying to semi-connect Castiel to solid mythology) and suddenly I commented, "Well I mean it kind of makes sense because he does seem kind of sad… I'm not saying break out the Ben and Jerry's and put on Oprah sad but you know, sad. Wouldn't that be hilarious? If we saw Castiel and he was just sitting there watching Oprah, crying, and stuffing his cute face with ice cream?" Thus this crack idea was born. Ye be warned... Castiel is entirely OOC.

* * *

Sam and Dean were lounging in yet another hideous motel room somewhere in Nowhere, Montana when there was a knock on the door. They looked at each other and then at the door before Dean pulled the knife from beneath his pillow. He stalked to the door before there was another incessant knock and peered through the peephole. Standing before the door was Castiel who was staring impassively at the door before his eyes turned upward to Dean's and there was an impatient look on his face. With a sigh of relief Dean opened the door and gestured him inside.

"What's the deal? Another Seal about to be broken? Dude, you've been riding our asses on this thing, would it _kill_ you to give us a little break?" Dean snarled out before realizing Castiel held a white plastic bag emblazoned with **'Thank You! And Have a Nice Day!'** That in itself was weird but it got even weirder when Castiel shrugged off his coat and suit jacket and made a beeline to the bed that Dean had been previously occupying. He slumped down in it and pulled out something from the bag.

And that was the weirdness icing to the weirdness cake.

Castiel tore off the top of _Phish Food_ and dug in with a plastic spoon, devouring the ice cream quickly and without speaking. Dean looked at Sam and Sam looked at Dean. There was a quick game of rock, paper, scissors in which Dean lost. With an annoyed look Dean strode over and stared down at the angel who was bingeing on the **Ben and Jerry's** like it was the last supper.

"Uh… Castiel?" Dean asked cautiously and the angel took another quick bite before turning startling blue eyes up at Dean.

"Yes?" he asked slowly and there was something off in his tone.

"Are you okay?" The angel froze for a second before he burst into tears. Dean backpedaled slightly, horror writing itself across his face. _"Whoa!" _he practically shouted as the angel continued sobbing in front of him.

"I _just_ can't take it anymore! All the _pressure_! Its just _too_ much!" he wailed out suddenly and Dean winced.

"Uhm." Dean managed to get out before Castiel continued his tirade, the dam was open and there was no stopping him.

"Its always, _'Castiel do this! Castiel do that!'_ And you guys seem to think I'm a _bad_ guy because I'm only following orders! I'm not a _hammer_, Dean! **I'm not!** I have _feelings_, _emotions_, and _doubt_! I'm not a _fucking_ hammer!" With that Castiel continued sobbing and eating the ice cream at the same time all while muttering under his breathe. They caught the occasional word but it didn't make sense. "… Fucking Uriel… _dick_… my ass does **not** look big… what the hell would he know… _stupid ass_…" Neither of them had heard an angel curse so much, let alone at all.

"So… uh… Castiel… is there anything in particular that's… uh… _wrong_?" Sam asked, stumbling over his phrasing, it was kind of scary to see an angel stuffing his face with **Ben and Jerry's** while muttering to himself and still crying. In fact it was downright unnerving.

"Its all Uriel's _fault_! He's such a _dick_! I was already having an unpleasant day and he told me that my ass looked fat in this vessel! _Dean!_ Does my ass look big in this vessel?" Castiel whined out. Dean looked taken aback for a second, his eyes wide with fear and he looked a little green around the edges.

"Oh… Uhm… No… your ass looks great!" Dean managed to stammer out and he felt vaguely sick after forcing the words out. How the hell was he supposed to know if Castiel's ass looked fat in the vessel? For one he didn't make it habit to check out other guys rear ends and for another he didn't even know if Castiel's ass had been fat before.

"You're just saying that!" Castiel shrieked out before succumbing to more tearful sobs. _The fuck?_ Dean thought and sighed.

"No! No! Not at all! In fact if I were gay or a chick I would _totally_ do you!" Dean said while cringing, Sam winced and sighed. Dean carefully slunk towards Sam, positive that if Castiel noticed his retreat the angel might chuck the half-empty carton of ice cream at Dean. Finally they stood beside each other and stared at the unhinged angel who had picked up the remote and was now avidly watching Oprah.

"Oh _Oprah_ you are _so_ right!" Castiel sobbed out before going back to the ice cream. Dean was thoroughly confused, only a couple of week ago Castiel had been completely normal, well as normal as an angel could. He had eaten pizza and lounged with the brother's on election night. Now he seemed like some… hormonal woman. Well at least the crying was starting to stop but that didn't mean jack shit.

"Uh… Cas?" Dean asked gently and the angel slowed his eating while tearing his eyes away from the television. "You don't uh… happen to be uhm… _PMS-ing_, are you?" Dean asked. There was a long moment in which Castiel just stared at Dean before one of his eyes twitched and the crying started all over again.

"How _dare_ you!" the angel cried out, affronted by Dean's insensitive question. "After _all_ that I've done for _you_! I _dragged_ you out of _hell_ and you never show me any _respect_! That's all I'm asking for!" Castiel managed before the sobbing returned. He polished off the container of **Ben and Jerry's** and sunk it into the garbage can before pulling out another container of ice cream. This time is was **Hagen-Daaz** _Strawberry Cheesecake_ and Castiel tore into it like a rabid dog tearing to a sweet, little chipmunk.

A few bites in he seemed to calm down a bit, the tears stopping and he got a dazed look on his face as Oprah talked about the dangers of bad bananas. There was a collective exhaling in the room and Sam and Dean thought the worst was over. Up until it went to commercial and there was that awful, tear-jerking commercial with the sad faced pets and Sarah McLachlan pleading for help. Then the tears started all over again.

"Why are people so _cruel_!" Castiel wailed out. "They're supposed to be man's best friend and look what people do to them! We should be helping these _poor_ animals not fighting some _stupid_ war! I _hate_ this war! Lilith is such a _bitch_!" He dissolved into tears.

Dean and Sam looked at each other, something had to be done and it had to be done right now.

"Go comfort him." Sam hissed out. Dean blanched.

"No! You're better at that girly shit!"

"He's _your_ angel!"

"Yeah well you might win some points if you give him a shoulder to cry on, Girl-Talk." Dean said snarkily. Sam flushed.

"Okay, let's settle this the easy way." Sam said and held out his fist, another quick game of rock, paper, scissors lead to Sam winning once more. "Oh Dean… always with the scissors."

"You _suck_. I demand a retry."

"Forget it Dean. Go comfort him."

Grumbling under his breath Dean sidled up to Castiel and sat down next to him awkwardly. He stiffly patted his back.

"There… there… Big-Guy… its gonna be okay… we'll save the animals after we save the world… we'll save all the puppies and kittens." Dean said stiffly, stumbling over the comfort words like they were logs in the middle of a path. Suddenly Castiel latched onto Dean, burying his face in Dean's chest and wrapping his arms tightly around the stunned man. His sobs grew louder and more intense. Dean's eyes widened and he looked to Sam for help. _"Help…"_ Dean rasped out.

"Uh… no way." Sam said, fumbling for his phone.

"Dude. **Help me.** He's got me in a death grip!" Dean hissed. Sam grinned wickedly and held up his phone to take a picture. "If you take that picture Sammy you're going to wake up _bald_!" Dean growled and there was the distinct shutter noise of the phone taking the picture.

"I think not, Dean! I have the perfect blackmail!" Sam said and snapped another picture. Castiel was oblivious to it all, still mumbling under his breath and whimpering into Dean's shirt. Dean sighed and awkwardly patted the angel's head. This was going to be one _long_ friggin' night.

* * *

Yet Another Author's Note: So this is the sort of sequel to "Elections, Pizza and Poltergeists"… and I would like to thank anon, riquitv, ToxicLullaby, mssammydean, mermaid2bseeker, Liafrombrazil (no worries your English was awesome!), EvilspyAchacia, CCWhite, and Leighta Greenleaf for your kind and inspiring reviews. Without your lovely reviews I probably wouldn't have written this. Anyway… before I start gushing some more ("You like me! You really, really like me!") There's a vague possibility that I'll probably write some more crack like this so be on the look out and if there are any requests I'll be happy to fulfill them the best I can. Also... wtf, Kripke? I wanted to slap him after that last episode with its lame ass _To Be Continued..._ I also saw a couple of spoiler scenes from the next and all I have to say is that even though I'm totally pissed at Castiel for being such a tool (though I get the why of it all) he's still totally awesome and wins. I also saw that episode of 'Charmed' Misha was in and he looks so friggin' young in it... and then Jensen on 'Dark Angel'? Also very young looking... and scrawny. He has definitely built up some muscles since then. Anyway... from the 23rd to the 29th I'll be in Arizon so... Catch you on the flip side if I don't post more before then.


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